Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
