Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
