I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
