i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
