Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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