Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
