my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize