every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize