A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
