please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
