I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
