apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
