yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
