Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Buhtt sex?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
