FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
