people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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