its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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