nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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