So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
