His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
