this beer tastes like vomit already
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
