I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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