apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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