He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Green mimosas i think yes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize