You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
