Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
