I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
