The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
