Well apparently he's into motor boating.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
