Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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