ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
