Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
