I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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