If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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