I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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