fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
