i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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