i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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