I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
