So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize