She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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