oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
