I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
