I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
