her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize