Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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