mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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