can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
