I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
