White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
