were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
