there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
