Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
