nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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