So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
