This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
